Messiah Simulator

A joke masquerading as a game. (The game is pretty fun too.)

You are the messiah. The miracles are wrong. The water becomes boxed wine. You walk under the sea instead of on it. Your disciples follow you around saying the wrong things. Roman soldiers drain your faith. You have to keep performing miracles to stay alive. Jesus lasted 33 years. You'll be lucky to last five minutes.

The Perfect Gift

Know someone who takes Jesus a little too seriously? This is for them. Know someone who genuinely thinks they're the Messiah? This is definitely for them. Messiah Simulator is a loving, blasphemous, surprisingly tender reminder that being the Messiah is impossible—and that's kind of the point.

Give it to your ultra-religious friend who needs to lighten up. Gift it to the person in your life who's convinced they're here to save everyone else. They'll figure out which one they are by the end of the first run. You can't fix them. But you can buy them a game where they get crucified and see how long they lasted.

Features:

• Turn water into boxed wine (with a spigot)

• Flip money-changer tables and watch the coins scatter

• Throw unlimited loaves and fishes

• Be followed by disciples with distinct personalities and terrible advice

• Evade Roman Guards who slowly, creepily hunt you across the map

• Watch your faith tick down as the Romans close in

• Get crucified. See your survival time. Try again.

This game isn't meant to be fun, it's meant to make you feel a small amount of the desperation Jesus likely felt as he tried to convert the world to Communism. And perhaps as a substitute so that Filipinos can stop crucifying themselves on Good Friday every year and just play this totally un-fun game instead.