Hire Me!

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• Patch Notes·8 Aug 2026Official

  Keyboard support, a smarter job interview and a lot of polish

  Play the whole game with your keyboard Enter — advance the conversation and confirm a dialogue option Space — finish writing the current line instantly Up / Down — pick a dialogue option (the selected one is marked with ">") Escape — pause menu The mouse still works exactly as before, and it takes over the selection the moment you move it. The credits can now be skipped too. Stan actually listens to what job you want Tell him what you want to be and he'll check whether that's a job at all — if it isn't, expect a remark and another chance to answer. Vague answers get interpreted instead of parroted back. "something with computers" becomes a real job title, while your original wording stays around as material against you. He now asks why you want it, and remembers your answer for the rest of the interview. A better ending Your personality results feed back into the final roast again — how strongly you leaned on each axis, not just what you said during the interview. Stan explains why you did or didn't get hired, trait by trait, instead of just delivering the verdict. Writing The English script has been proofread from top to bottom. The Dutch translation has been rewritten rather than translated, with the accents it was missing and its wordplay restored. The personality statements are shorter and stop circling back to the same detail. Fixes Rushing through dialogue with Enter could skip past an input field entirely, leaving you unable to type. Fixed. A click landing on the exact frame an option block appeared could blindly pick an option. Fixed. Typing only spaces no longer counts as an answer. Enter no longer plays a confirmation sound on every single press. The text cursor sat one space too far behind the last letter you typed. Right-click to finish a line instantly now always works. F12 doesn't skip to the end anymore; this one's for you again, SMACHead. ;)
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• Patch Notes·20 Jul 2026Official

  THE SMACHEAD UPDATE

  Every update needs a name. This one is named after SMACHead — a real applicant who walked into the agency, left a review, and pointed out (correctly, annoyingly) that Stan's end-of-interview summaries went on for way, way too long.Stan read it. Stan sulked. Stan fixed it. And then he renamed the whole update after them, because that's what happens when you leave a review here: you become part of the game.✂️ The ending: shorter, sharper, personalThe long, generic personality write-up is gone. Your final evaluation is now a short, personal roast — Stan calls back to the job you wanted, the things you confessed, and the answers you really shouldn't have given. Thanks, SMACHead.🌍 Stan now speaks seven languagesThe entire interview — including Stan's live, improvised remarks — is now available in English, Nederlands, Español, Português (Brasil), Deutsch, Français and Русский. Switch languages straight from the main menu and get roasted in the comfort of your mother tongue. Accents, ¿upside-down question marks? and Cyrillic all render properly now, too.🎵 A real soundtrackThe stock music is gone. The agency now plays a fully original OST — four tracks written for the game:Pangaea (Hire Me Remix)Terms and Conditions Theme Song (Secret promotion track for my next game)The Contemplation RoomAurora (Hire Me Remix)The tracks rotate on shuffle, and a little "Now playing" note tells you what you're listening to.📣 Stan reads your reviews. Out loud.During the intro, Stan now backs up his bragging by reading real Steam reviews of the game — including the newest one. So if you leave a review with your name in it, and Stan will read it to the next applicant. He'll pretend it's about him. It always is.🎤 A sharper interviewThe personality test is shorter and more varied — no more "didn't I just answer this?" moments.Stan remembers your previous answers and uses them against you.🛠️ Quality of lifePause menu on Escape, with volume sliders for music and sound.A proper settings screen; ever...
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• Patch Notes·28 Apr 2024Official

  Tiny fix

  It's the tiniest fix ever. It might be a record.
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• Patch Notes·23 Apr 2024Official

  Hotfix

  I received an email today from someone who encountered an error when entering the job they want to apply for. I really hope I fixed it with this hotfix. ( If not, I will keep trying! )
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• Patch Notes·21 Apr 2024Official

  Stan's Shenanigans

  Fixed a glitch where Stan would start crying when gay swans are mentioned. Fixed a bug where Stan wouldn't shut up about the tv show Baby Reindeer. Fixed an issue where the player could convince Stan to quit his job. Fixed issues where you could seduce and/or sweet talk Stan into hiring you. ALT+F4 no longer mocks the player for wanting to quit. It just quits the game. Added the version number to the title screen. (Spoiler: it's 1.2.0.1.)
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